‘Vanished in a moment.’ PLU football team tackles mental health stigma after a suicide
AOL
Anna Taff remembers the yellow sticky note she found in her son’s desk drawer. It was a list of principles he tried to live by, there to remind him of the person he wanted to be — his “rules for life,” she called it.
Some of the bullet points were concrete — things like “dress properly” and “have good money management.” Others were more philosophical, like “express gratitude” and “be capable of love.”
Taff believes the written reminders provide a glimpse into the person her son, Jordan, was before he died by suicide almost exactly a year ago during his first few months of college at Pacific Lutheran University in Parkland. She discovered it while going through his things not long after his death.
Today, she revisits the list often, she said. It helps to spark fond memories of her son amid a sea of grief.
“He was a firecracker. He lit up a room. It’s just crazy how many people he touched,” Taff told me by phone this week. “He had goals. And he was running for those goals, and it all got taken away.”
Until recently, I’d never heard Jordan Taff’s story. Few people outside of the PLU community and the Taffs’ home in the Portland area have. He died on Oct. 12, 2021, at the age of 18, but discussions of suicides and the underlying mental health challenges that cause them are often kept to hushed tones.
It’s a silence the Taffs and Jordan’s teammates on the PLU football team — most of whom knew the linebacker with the one-of-a-kind smile for only a matter of months before he died — are intent on shattering.
“I think it’s a taboo kind of a subject to a lot of people,” said Jordan’s father, Rich Taff, of suicide and struggles with mental illness. “So we want to break that taboo because it affects everybody, and everybody should be concerned.”
In conjunction with October’s Mental Illness Awareness Week and in partnership with the Hilinski’s Hope Foundation — a nonprofit created after the suicide death of Washington State University quarterback Tyler Hilinski — the PLU football team has been doing its part to keep memories of Jordan alive. Players have worn green wristbands in his honor before games this season, and recently carried his jersey to midfield for the coin toss, recognizing Jordan as an honorary captain.
According to PLU coach Brant McAdams, they want people to remember, they want people to know the pain of depression and mental illness is real, and they want to encourage anyone who needs it to ask for help.
“I think it’s critical, and I think it’s becoming more and more critical,” McAdams said of the need to focus on mental health awareness on campuses and in the world of college athletics.
“You have to be intentional about it.”
A year after Jordan’s death, the Taffs struggle to comprehend what happened to their son. It all spiraled so fast. As an honor student and an accomplished left-handed pitcher in high school in Portland and later Lake Oswego, he had his whole life ahead of him. He appeared on the path to achieving his goals, including playing baseball and football at the college level.
According to Anna Taff, everything changed during Jordan’s junior year of high school when the COVID-19 pandemic hit. While some students adapted to shutdowns and the isolation of remote learning, Jordan struggled. Without the routine of school and sports, he became quiet, distant, anxious, depressed and soon incredibly ill.
“He just wasn’t himself, and eventually he had to be hospitalized because he became catatonic. Psychiatrists called it malignant catatonia, which is the worst classification of catatonia. He was in the hospital for quite a long time, because he stopped eating, drinking and talking. He was on a feeding tube,” Taff recalled. “I mean, we almost lost him then.”
Despite the challenges of finding accessible mental health care during the early days of the pandemic, Jordan received treatment at Portland’s Randall Children’s Hospital and Unity Health Center for Behavioral Health and later traveled twice to Utah for electroconvulsive therapy. Anna Taff described the treatments as an act of parental desperation that, for a time, appeared to work. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder and prescribed medication, Jordan graduated along with his high school classmates in June 2021, accepting a baseball scholarship to PLU.
A two-sport athlete, Jordan arrived on campus in August 2021 for the start of football practice. While he quickly bonded with teammates and coaches — revealing an endearing kindness and humor, according to McAdams — privately he again began to struggle with depression and anxiety, including self-medicating with cannabis, which worsened his symptoms, his parents said.
Within a matter of months, Jordan was gone.
Today, Anna Taff can’t help but look back and blame the pandemic for causing her son’s quick descent.
“All these things were just going in the right direction for him, and then all of a sudden, everything was taken away,” Taff said. “I feel like if the pandemic hadn’t hit, we’d still have him here.”
There are things that bring a smile to Anna Taff’s face, even with everything her family has endured over the last year. Memories of her son help sustain her. So has the outpouring of support the Taffs have received from PLU, she said.
Sometimes, Ann Taff said, it feels like Jordan, who wore number 38 at PLU, “is still with us.” It’s one of the reasons she’s compelled to share his story, she said.
Recently, the Taffs attended a game PLU played against George Fox University in Newberg, Oregon. With the Lutes leading 13-12 and the opposition on the march, the PLU defense Jordan would have been a part of needed one last play to secure the victory. The fourth-down stop came with exactly 38 seconds left on the clock.
Two weeks later, at a PLU home game at Sparks Stadium in Puyallup, the Taffs were again on hand. Jordan was recognized as an honorary captain during the game, and shortly after his empty jersey was carried to midfield for the coin toss, the first offensive play from scrimmage occurred — at the 38-yard line.
As if that wasn’t a clear enough sign of Jordan’s presence, the last play of the game also took place on the 38-yard line, Rich Taff recalled.
“It’s a special thing when you see something like that,” he said. “Jordan was a character, and he would always let his presence be known, so it was kind of like, ‘Of course this is happening.’”
While McAdams can’t explain everything that occurred on the field, both games, he said, were part of the university’s campaign to promote mental health awareness in Jordan’s memory.
It’s an effort the football coach expects to continue for seasons to come.
“Absolutely we’re going to honor him. We had this kind, quiet, funny, dedicated friend and teammate, and then that vanished in a moment,” McAdams said.
“We’re going to use Jordan’s memory to highlight the value and the fragility of life, as a reminder to never, ever take that for granted.”
